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I like to consider myself a pretty adventurous guy. I go hiking and skiing and I’ve been known to do some damage on a wakeboard every now and then, but you cannot pay me to east some of these crazy foods out there nowadays. I swear, all these food television shows with the guys eating crazy stuff has got to be reaching a saturation point soon. Really, how many TV shows do you need about fat guys eating bull testicles? And on that subject, how many extreme foods are left that they haven’t been filmed eating? I can’t believe there are too many.

Let me rant a little more here. Anthony Bourdain, now there’s a guy I can mess with. Bourdain isn’t just about eating crazy foods and making dumb faces at the camera, he’s more interested in talking about and dissecting the distinctions in diet and food and appetite of different places and people. Bourdain is more a sociologist. A sociologist who drinks and swears a lot. Andrew Zimmern on the other hand, has his heart in the right place but isn’t as eloquent or intelligent as Bourdain. And sadly, sometimes Zimmern falls into that “watch me eat this crazy food” category, which is sad.

But back on topic: things you can’t pay me to eat, in no particular order. First off, Russian Caviar. The look, the texture, the scary little tin cans, you could not pay me to put these strange little orbs of processed roe into my mouth. Seriously, caviar looks like some sort of creature from a horror film, all gelatinous and colored and slightly alive. I know it’s probably not as bad as it looks, especially if eaten with a cracker or some sort of bread but you still could never get me to eat it.

Any animal tongues or brains. Pretty self explanatory. No matter how you cook it, even if you deep fry it in McDonalds French fry oil you could never get me to eat animal tongue or brain. I can’t see why anyone would unless they thought they would gain some sort of power or healing from it. The tongue is just a giant muscle, how is that even edible? Eating monkey brain or any other animal brain just seems dangerous with all the diseases they have. Leave me out of it. I think the strangest thing I would ever eat is sushi and only because it’s wrapped in rice and dipped in soy sauce. Yum.